04 September 2014

What Do You Really Want?

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Have you ever noticed how your aesthetics, style, decoration preferences, wishlist contents, even colours, change over time? Often, when we crave for certain products or brands, it isn't so much the object itself we are after, but rather a certain "mood", "lifestyle", even "identity". Why buy the object then, when what we really want is something else entirely?

It all started when I made an inventory of my jewelry, shortly after sorting out my bathroom. It was earlier this summer, and I had just decided to put everything within eyesight to increase rotation. Given the success of my (otherwise weird) habit of tracking my wardobe, the whole stock ended up on the same excel sheet, to figure out which items I really wore and why.

And that's when I noticed a pattern, otherwise unconscious: most of the jewerly items I bought these past two years were of obviously "exotic", "indian", "ethnic" aesthetic. Simple patterned silver jewelry, natural stones. Same for decoration: my latest purchases were an Indian poster of sortsa Moroccan rug and a painting from LA, vastly inspired from Japanese aesthetics.

And that's what got me wonder: why have I been attracted to this kind of aesthetics lately? Obviously, this has always been within my taste, for example I dug out a lot of rings I bought ten years ago, during my "hippie" style years. But isn't there something else behind buying a Japanese reminiscing painting when I already have tons of decoration from Japan sitting in my cellar? Or to get another silver & natural stone ring when I already own 10 of them? Is this the object I'm after, when I obviously don't need any more of them? What do I really want?

The Real Desire Behind Purchases

I was precisely wondering about this curious consumption pattern, when a friend of mine told me he was leaving for Thailand on holidays soon. That's when the long brewing "aha" moment happened: what I really want is to travel, and "exotic" jewelry and decoration items are a material surrogate for that deep, repressed wanderlust.

But why was that desire unconscious, if it is so deep ? I'm coming to my late twenties, and I think I have lived my life by default these past few years. Everything seems possible when we are at the beginning of our lives, choosing what to study about, what we want to do later. Life starts and all dreams seem possible. Then come the mid-twenties, graduation, economy crisis, social pressure to find a job and remain on the rails. I haven't forgotten I want to travel the world, I've just kept pushing it back to "later". After I graduate (I've worked week-ends and holidays when I was a student), after I find a steady job, after I finally live together with my fiancé... And my unconscious desire to discover the world has rippled into my purchasing habits, as if to compensate an unfulfilled wish.

I believe this "compensation" might be a natural phenomenon, a way to deal with the frustration and find other ways to be content with our life. I don't know if it's meant to be filled by material items though. And what i'm sure of, is that marketing, and the psychology of consumers, is playing with that need to make us buy more.

Why do advertisers associate their brands and products with intangible values such as travel/evasion, simplicity, elegance, modernity... Because they're hoping you will buy their product as an answer to what you really want (travel, live a simple life, be more elegant, modern...).

This is the advertising promise lurking behind this object or brand: if only you buy this, you will be happier because it will fulfill what you really want. After all, it is easier to buy a product than to try and step out of our default lives, isn't it?  But it doesn't fulfill what we really want, does it? I don't see how a turquoise ring can replace discovering Morocco, in my case.


On Wanting Less, and Doing More

As consumers, how can we adjust our behaviour towards these promises made by brands and products? First, know yourself. It seems to be a first step to many paths of growth, and it isn't as hard as it seems (even though it isn't as easy as it seems either...). If I had listened to myself earlier, I might have owned less decoration items and accessories, but traveled more these past few years.

In this particular case, a first idea is to look into your wishlist, or latest purchases, and examine each item. Why do/did you want it? Is it a purely practical purchase (skis for a holiday in the mountains for example)? Is this more of a social need? Do you already have similar objects? If so why do you feel like buying another one?

You may not find anything further than a real wish for the object itself, but, more often than not, there might be another, non material motivation behind that purchase. An identity you want to build for yourself, friends or family you want to impress or be noticed by? Why? Is there an activity you used to do (painting, trekking, theatre) and deep down would like to learn again?

I don't know if you'll point out something right away, after all it took me quite a few years to notice my lingering wanderlust and corresponding material compensation, but you may as well find something out straight away.

If you do, then act! Instead of buying artsy outfits and Dries Van Noten tees, spend the money on painting lessons! If you feel inadequate in your workplace because you are from a lower social/cultural class, then go learn about this culture you haven't got from your family instead of buying Louboutin to prove you belong here. I intend to save my money for upcoming travels, instead of buying kimono-like cardigans and indian necklaces.

Consequences on Consumption Habits

I can only speak of personal experience here, but since  I've restored my self esteem as a "proper woman", I've been much less attracted to fancy, expensive brands. The travel affair is much more recent so I'd need more time to report back on that, but I can already confirm that since that realization beginning of August, the items I was eyeing and letting float in my mind for possible post-fast purchases (a red coloured mineral stone silver pendant, a kimono-like printed cardigan) have lost their appeal.

I think buying less is a natural consequence of figuring out what you really want. Because you can actually get to it, instead of purchasing items that make the false promise of giving it to you. I know it saved me a lot of sartorial purchase mistakes since my style overhaul and life simplification. The same probably apply to most emotional purchases, from the piece of art to the expensive car.

However, I don't think that means you'll magically stop buying anything at all. We have our tastes, and the items we buy reflect this complex identity carved by our background, wishes, motivations and personality. Chances are, next time I need/want a decoration item, it will still be influenced by this simple and "exotic" aesthetic I've been buying from lately.

Besides, sometimes it is good to have a compensation when we can't get what we really want. It can help us deal with frustrations, and enjoy even the most transitional situations. I think these compensations don't have to always be objects. Besides, when you are aware you are buying something as a compensation, or as a waiting "gift" to pass a difficult period, I think it's much healthier than splurging on material items to fill a void in our life.


I don't know to what extent this kind of self realization can be induced though. Sometimes, we just need to be ready to see certain things about ourselves. What do you think? Have you ever discovered such a consumption pattern in the past? If so, how did you adjust? 

27 comments:

  1. My feelings about my home's interior decor have changed hugely in the past couple of weeks, and I'm finding it kind of difficult to reconcile with my goals of not purchasing needlessly. But at the same time, it's been such a really invigorating choice to embrace, and I've been really excited about it, so I do wonder what the underlying basis of these attitudes is. Even though it has meant buying quite a few items that I absolutely did not need (new tealight holders and coasters and vases and such) it has also had objectively positive outcomes, e.g. I decided I wanted an artwork with tones of deep green and washed-out pink to go over the fireplace, but instead of trying to find something to buy, for the first time in ages I picked up my paintbrushes and started making the exact artwork I wanted. I've been really demotivated and unexcited about my home for ages (I guess the underlying basis is that I dislike living in Cambridge and didn't feel the need to settle into my home because I don't want to stay here) and I have let it my home really cluttered and disordered and just haven't bothered making it how I want it to be. But now all of a sudden I do want to appreciate it properly and I do want it to reflect my personality and preferences again. So I feel like the motivation to engage in that kind of outweighs the fact that I've bought some things that aren't strictly necessary. (Although I feel like even that can be justified, e.g. I have no indoor plants but I plan to buy some today - and somehow, bringing some greenery indoors feels like a very grounded thing to do, rather than a case of buying something extraneous and being driven to make unjustified purchases.)

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    1. The case of interior decoration is very interesting indeed. After having lived alone for over 12 years, and seen a lot of different appartments from a lot of different people, I'm convinced there is a strong link between someone's mood, personality and current emotional state, and their interior. Often, depressed or sad people have dirtier and more cluttered homes, people who feel they are in a "transitional" situation and want to leave seem to not really invest their own home totally, as you say, they don't take the time to decorate because they want to leave. I remember, when I came back from Japan, the biggest change in my appartment happened. I'd already lived there for 6 years, and after one year abroad & sub-renting it to a friend, I felt the need to "make it my own" again. Maybe it was also a way to show I had changed during that year abroad - I changed the colour of the walls and doors (from fiery red to a more toned down white and almond green), got rid of half my furniture and bought some nude, mineral coloured decoration items. I agree with you that, although the purchase isn't "necessary" per se, it's sometimes very therapeutical to change our home through bits of decoration here and there. I'm totally with you on greenery - all of my plants died at that time when I came back from Japan and I never really got around to buying new ones, but lately I'm letting succulents and cactus slowly creep into my home. Anyway interesting story, maybe this is a symbol for you to settle down and enjoy your life in Cambridge while you are here?

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  2. I can relate to what Jess is saying about interior decoration. For the longest time my husband and me have been postponing spending 'unnecessary' money on our home. Last year, stress and boredom led me to sudden dissatisfaction with the state of affairs. We had been living together for 7 years but had in that time not bought anything interior-related that was not prompted out of necessity. A lot of items were brought with us from our childhood bedrooms or had been handed down to us by family. Although I still appreciate this and it was certainly to our financial advantage, I now think that I was reluctant to spend on our home (apart from our just not being that stylish) because I had a hard time letting go of my student years. I really want to move forward now - but in a mindful way. I don't have the money or the desire to do an instant complete makeover. But I do think we deserve a desk and a dresser that weren't initially bought for a twelve-year old :).
    Apart from that, I have to say that I do travel as much as I can (with limited paid leave at work) but I still feel the need to show my 'traveler's identity' in my purchases. I don't think of it as compensation (though I would travel even more if I could) but as a way of communicating with the outside world where my passions lie ...

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    1. Ah yes, that's an interesting point too, trying to communicate an identity or a passion through what we buy. It might be linked to that post I wrote a while ago called "the geek shelf", where I emited the theory that we may choose what's on our living room shelf depending on what we want to "show off" to our guests, but also spark conversations and interests among like-minded people. It's interesting to see that's how you feel about your "traveler's" purchases.

      The question of investing in your own interior is also a phase I can relate to, and I agree that it is sometimes nice to spend for some meaningful items that bring a bit of you in your home. When I became young adult and found a first job to help paying my studies, I remember being fed up with all this furniture and items that were given to me when I moved in at 15. It was a great help back then, but after a few years I needed something to feel "at home". I think that's when I cultivated the pleasure of bringing trinkets back from my travels. It was a way to carve my home with my own story and not that of (generous nonetheless) family members. I shipped back tons of decoration items and dishes from Japan, which was my way of making my home my own. I wholeheartedly agree on wanting to spend at least a little on your own home beyond bare necessities, as you say, in a mindful way. I like the idea of items that have a story - as my great uncle who worked at the embassy has tons of.

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  3. Wow, I loved this article. It happens the same to me. I keep searching for the perfect moroccan rug... But what I REALLY want is to travel to Morocco and buy a rug there by myself! :)

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    1. Haha that's very interesting :) The moroccan rug is quite a story for me too, I finally bought one in France but still want to go to Morocco. If you do go I'd love to see your stories :)

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  4. I'm not sure I'm ready to analyze my identity/fashion issues! But I can relate to that one the most. I'm evolving, I feel it, and it's playing out in my clothing choices (where the evolution is most visible.) Right now I'm into dark colors, simple lines, this pseudo-androgyny but also kind of waking up to my own femininity in terms of recognizing and playing with my shape. It's weird. I know I have this self-image of a woman who "blends in, who doesn't make waves," but I reblog images on Tumblr of women with a large presence, usually because of the attitude they project. I've been looking for clothes that enhance me but aren't statements themselves, so that I can practice projecting my own presence.

    ...that's really weird to admit out loud: simplicity, almost austerity so that I can shine, and not the clothes themselves.

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    1. That's an interesting way to look at things indeed. And I think you're right, maybe labels and loud clothes take too much space for some of us, and a simpler outfit helps expressing ourselves better. As an introvert I can relate to that - I've used clothes as a disguise for a long while, but since 2011 I've felt like letting simpler clothes reveal who I really am instead. I don't know if that makes much sense but I understand what you mean. I hope you can refine your style even more over time and that it helps boosting your self confidence too :)

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  5. Last summer I was very drawn to a sold-out Zara tribal necklace, and searched everywhere for a similar piece. I gave up the search when I realized that a necklace wouldn't make me stop missing a trip I took to Africa the year prior. Thinking about it today, that desire was also somehow driven by a longing to find people who had shared a similar experience, and might notice the necklace and ask about my interest in African culture and travel. I was looking for my own tribe.

    Really that gets to the heart of how I've dressed myself for two decades - identifying with certain labels, initiatives, cultures, and groups of people; and using clothing as a conduit of creativity. Lately I'm spending a lot more time digging up the roots of wishlist items and am buying far fewer items and much happier with my purchases. A good litmus test has been to ask if an item is useful, joyful, and beautiful; if the source is ethical; if the item will appeal to me and last a long time; and if it will fit multiple "needs" or occasions to wear it.

    For me, the exploration of what I buy and why has been an ongoing rehabilitation against many old, deep-seated habits. It is always refreshing to read your and others' thoughts on the process, here, and I appreciate your taking the time to unpack all of it online.

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    1. Ah there might be something to dig into here - the idea to wear, or display, things that correspond to our tastes, culture and preferences, maybe to attract like-minded people and spark conversations. I definitely can relate to that, when it comes to little trinkets brought back from Japan. Years later, the summer silk fan still generates conversations :)

      I have been wondering on what criteria to choose my items as well lately, epecially considering all the non-material reasons lingering behind shopping motivations. Should we then stop buying items altogether or embrace the idea and indulge once in a while.. I like your idea of useful, joyful and beautiful. After all what matters isn't the object itself but what it brings to our lives :)

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  6. I think my consumption really peaked in the last few years of my twenties mostly because I was grappling at straws for some sort of identity before I got married and settled into a routine. In fact, I think ALL of my twenties has been an endless search for the right kind of home decor and the right kind of wardrobe. It's only when I've been able to afford to experiment that I finally figured out what exactly works for me and what I am willing to spend my money on. On some level, I've always been a competitive and fiercely envious person with lots of insecurities, and it has taken me a long time and lots of money to get rid of this trait.

    I don't buy things when I travel because the chances are you'll be able to find something similar back home. The only thing in my life I ever regretted not buying on my travels was a set of hand-hammered brass spoons from Tibet that I've searched in vain everywhere - not sure why I need them but I felt they were just so beautifully made. Memories and experiences are good enough souvenirs for me - which is why I am more willing to spend money on a beautiful location or good food and on good traveling equipment.

    I find that I buy things whenever I am itching for a change or when I'm stressed and that stupid insecurity complex flares up. I think just shutting the computer or going out and talking to some friends who don't judge has been the best thing for my sanity.

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    1. I've wondered a lot about using objects as a way to carve ourselves an identity, or reassure ourselves about who we are. I think it can be very useful at some point in our lives - it was at my early twenties for me essentially, plus, on the specific topic of clothing, when I decided to make over my style. It may also have been linked to insecurities, I wonder if objects can be a long term solution to them though. I've noticed that growing up also brings its share of confidence and explorations, and I don't know about you, butI feel less the need to express myself through my objects anymore.

      When it comes to travel, I'm quite the opposite though. I agree that what matters is the location itself, and spending enough money on making the trip/experience itself the best possible, but I really like this fantasy of having a home full of little finds from my travels, bought from craftsmen and locals, as a sort of "prize" for my discoveries, a reminder of past joyful experiences. I would never spend a lot of money on travel souvenirs though.

      I also relate a lot fo buying when itching for a change. Maybe it's a sort of symbol, or milestone... Now I shuffle my own stuff around, or buy a bouquet of flowers, instead of letting even more stuff pile up in my home :)

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  7. Living one's life by default. I've done it and I suspect many women have. Sometimes it is temporizing, which can be valid, e.g. I can't afford the time and/or money to travel right now. Often, though I think it is when we have lost sight of what is "non-negotiable", that which is central to well-being/identity. A great post, as is often the case. Thanks so much for your thoughtful contributions.

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    1. Thanks for this kind word! Yes, maybe we lose sight of what's non-negotiable over time. Or maybe we lose sight of what IS negotiable. Not everything has to be made for career and money, and it is negotiable to step down to favour personal life too. In any case, that's the problematic I find myself in these days :)

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  8. This is such a great and thoughtful post, and the comments are so insightful as well - love the community here! My main wish list has stayed pretty stable for the past few years now, which I hope means that I have settled into a comfortable place, style-wise. There are still semi-impulse purchases (as I'm sure you know), but overall I seem to know what I like, what suits me, and what I will and won't spend my money on. My shopping habits have changed drastically over the years as I have been able to afford increasingly higher quality items, but I don't think a lot of the things that I buy are there to replace a different subconscious longing (although I'm sure I might be wrong). If I bought things to impress people then I wouldn't spend my nights inside watching Netflix, that's for sure, and I also feel like shopping has a pretty bad rep in my circles anyway, both online and IRL - you're supposed to be above those things, only wear invisible makeup and carry heritage, non-brand handbags - you know? If anything my makeup-stash and bag collection might be hurting my rep ;)

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    1. I've been wondering about buying stuff to impress people, and in what circles it really works after all. In Paris there is this whole social group of people - usually middle to upper middle class, who work in open spaces and feel the need to show off their status, "knowledge" of what is in, and money through high end brands - but usually confidential ones, not the most mainstream ones - and take pride in being able to afford these high end items. I've never really integrated in this kind of circles because I've always found it quite stupid (no offense) to spend a lot of money only for a brand name, when you can have the same - or even better quality - for a more reasonable price at a less 'trendy' shop.

      I guess I'm more into the kind of circles that doesn't get impressed by money and brands then :) But I guess there are always items to impress some kinds of people. If it's not high end clothing, it can be certain books, or knowing about certain authors, or having seen certain theater plays... I feel like buying to impress others comes at an earlier stage of life though, at least for me it was during my teens until my early twenties, when I was self-searching and wanted to "belong". Now I feel I have a more stable identity and defined tastes - and I don't care much for impressing people anymore, I only care about being in line with myself and recognizing myself in the mirror, if it makes sense.

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    2. Makes complete sense! And no offense taken, most of my bags are no-brand or brands that are relatively unknown in Norway anyway. The few true luxury items I own I bought because I genuinely wanted them for year(s) :)

      I totally get buying because one wants to belong, though. I went straight from a job in a call center to being the youngest member of a sales/marketing department, and it was kind of freaking me out. I have never bought that many button-down shirts and structured blazers in such a short time before.

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  9. yep - if you want to travel and explore, do it while you're young and can walk for hours and hours. :-)

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    1. Haha I'm sure there are ways to travel even when older - otherwise we are lost, the young ones who have health but no time nor money can't hope to travel more when they get older and can afford it :)

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  10. I read this post as you published it, and had to let it sink for a couple of days. I am the complete opposite for accessorie: I do own quite a few that are unique or exotic, and were bought abroad or given to me as a present from abroad. Needless to say they are my most treasured pieces, and I guess I'll keep them forever, unlike my other pieces I bought here - which usually are not ethnic style. Maybe some day I'll write a blog post on them, some have interesting stories... As for the home décor, I have realized I had a very different taste when I was leaving in the US! The sleek, minimalist modern look reminded me too much of the lab and clean room I was working in, so I preferred more traditional and rustic shapes and decorations. And that was a clear desire to be back home with granma, possibly cooking together. So one day I decided to just come back to Italy, and now my preferences for home decor have come back to what they were before: simple and modern with some interesting accessorie that can tell a story, better if they come from my granmas, like a beautiful blanket my mom gave me for my wedding, which she got from dad's mom. I guess I could never be a minimalist for this reason: I could never get rid of items that are part of my hystory, I consider myself more of a "collector".

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    1. From your story it feels your interior decor was very dependent on your mood, or the kind of atmosphere you wanted to re-create. I can relate to that, after all our home is a sort of sanctuary to gather energy and find peace in this every speeding society, so it feels natural to want to come back to what we miss in there.

      I also agree on surrounding ourselves with items that really mean something - whether it is a gift from a loved one, heritage from family, souvenirs from travels, reminiscent of a nice experience... I don't think that's incompatible with "minimalism" though - after all isn't it a pursuit of owning fewer but more meaningful & joyful objects? At least that's how I see it...

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  11. This phrase has been a lifesaver for me: "You can't get enough of what you don't really need." That is, we keep accumulating certain things in the hopes they will fill a particular empty spot in us. But there will never be enough, but it isn't what is needed in the first place. I just helped a friend re-home over 300 bottles of the most beautiful nail polish. I don't know what she needed, but apparently it wasn't nail polish.

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    1. Interesting! Indeed, we probably keep accumulating stuff when we are trying to fill another need, it is endless. The nailpolish is a great example, I'm happy you found new homes for them ;)

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  12. Odd you should mention nail polish. I bought it almost religiously for years - all colours, limited editions, you name it, I had to have it. Thing is, I end up chucking them out years later when they're a gunked-up mess, having used them once or twice. After a lot of thought, I realised I bought them so I could fulfil the image of myself as the sort of woman who wears nail polish - elegant, suave and well-groomed, the sort of woman whose polished nails are always perfectly applied. I also realised I was never going to be that woman, and that it was my mother who wanted me to be her, not me.

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    1. Thanks for sharing this anecdote, that sounds like a perfect example of using objects to try and fill a non-material need. Buying items to construct the image of who we want to be. I remember having long polished nails as well when I wanted to be "a proper adult" :)

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  13. I have for long now realised I sometimes buy things to fill a void. You put this beautifully!
    Gaining conscience of that process has already helped me a lot, but I believe this is a long-term comprehension, meaning we should really dig inside carefully to understand our behaviour. And change it!
    I really appreciate the way you put all this, very well written!

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    1. Thank you very much for this thoughtful note! It is true that it is a slow process and it takes some time to realize and change things, at least it is the case for me. I think, when we try to compensate with material items, it probably means the brain is trying to find surrogates to avoid facing the situation, so it takes time to accept, and then do something about it.

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