02 October 2015

On mages, rodents, failure and life calling

Close-up, Autumn 2014.

Prepare yourself for a bout of spontaneous writing today, with a touch of role-playing game analogy and some rodent mind control involved, as I talk about life calling, the fear of failure and the barriers we build for ourselves...

In most role-playing games, you start up as a level one adventurer. If you don't take an arrow in the knee, you get to escape a number of situations, fight a number of bad guys, ending up as a skilled explorer. It is of course a metaphore of any life journey, but also of learning, as the aventurer levels up as he learns from his experiences.

Now, another thing you have in most role-playing games, is a class. Or a job, a specialty, an expertise. You are a mage, a warrior, a paladin, a healer, an archer. You start as a level one mage, equipped with a small wooden stick and a "mental control of rodents" spell, and out in the world! Several years later, you may become a level 99 Master Archmage of All Elements, guildmaster of the Epic Congregation of the World Arcanists.

I Am a Mage

Have you noticed? The level 1 mage is still a mage. He just started out there, so he's got a flammable cotton gown and it takes him a good twelve hours to control a rat's mind. He's going to need some work to level up, but he is a mage.

Now, consider other, real-world "classes": writer, artist, comedian, designer, photographer... Why would you be afraid to call yourself a photographer when you begin? You may be a level one photographer, equipped with a flammable camera and taking a good twelve hours to manage a properly retouched image, but you are still a photographer.

Why does it matter? Because not daring to call yourself what you are may hold you back. Let me tell you my story. Since my youngest age, as I wrote meaningless loops sitting on my tiny desk under the stairs, I am a writer. I composed poems when I was 8, wrote my first murder mystery in Spain, when I was 12, created a fantasy universe with maps and stuff when I was a teenager, and started blogging in my young adult years.

However, I always thought I had to rival with Victor Hugo, or at least, that I needed to be published and recognized by my peers in order to dare call myself a writer. That I had to master the talent. In other words, I wouldn't call myelf a mage until I become a Master Archmage of All Elements. The consequence: I stopped writing. If the text isn't on par with the best, then I'm not a writer. If I'm not a writer, why should I write? Because I expected the best of myself without even learning first, I gave up without even trying.

And, one day, my perspective changed. There is an old saying : "it is by forging that one becomes a blacksmith". How can one expect to be a master blacksmith if he never forges anything? How could I expect to become a writer if I stopped writing? So I decided that I was a level 1 writer. And that I had to keep writing like the mage had to keep trying to control rodents' minds. Do you know what happened since? I participated in two short shorty contests, lost both, finished an Old-Fashioned Murder novella, started a sci-fi novel and drafted down a dozen story ideas. My latest fancy? An old-fashioned sci-fi story à la Jules Verne. I am at least a level 4 writer now, and that's more in a year then I'd dared try in 28.

Trying and failing

How does the mage become a Master Archmage of all Elements? By trying, and failing. He sets his house on fire, gets his ass kicked by a number of Dragons (You Died), but as he keeps trying, he learns. He hones his skill, he levels up. Do you know what's worse than failing? Not trying. I just lost a Utopia short story contest today. And I'm infinitely happier than if I hadn't written it in the first place. All this work I put in thinking about a Utopian world, wording all of it, and writing this probably average piece of fiction, made me level up as a writer.

Why is it important? Because I feel like we live in a world where failure is unacceptable. I don't know about your country, but this is especially the case in the French education system, where children assimilate mistakes with an unredeemable failure, instead of seeing it as what it is: an opportunity to learn. So we stop trying. Because we aren't writers. That's how we stop growing. Out of a fear of failure, out of this ridiculous idea that we can't call ourselves something until we become masters, we limit ourselves.

I don't know if I'll ever become a Master Writer of All Genres, guildmaster of the Epic Congregation of World Novellists, but I am a writer. I am equipped with a flammable pen and it takes me a good twelve hours to write a couple of pages of fiction, but I'll keep trying, failing, levelling up and maybe one day, one of my short stories will win a contest. One of my novels may be published. I may even earn enough money to invite le Fiancé to the restaurant. Who knows. What I know, is that it won't happen unless I keep trying.


What about you? What's your class? Are you a level 1 photographer? Designer? Creator? Artist? Musician? Athlete? Stylist? Whatever is your calling, just keep trying.

21 comments:

  1. I needed to read this so much, Florie! It is so difficult to allow ourselves these things: because of the imposter syndrome, because "if I didn't write anything in so long, how do I dare call myself a writer?", because "so what I wrote something today, one story doesn't cut it, maybe if I keep it up for at least a month or two"... You know. I guess it all comes from being an adult—when we grow up, we believe we need to be serious (we've been prepped for this throughout adolescence) and this worldview doesn't include something as "ridiculous" as allowing yourself to work on a skill and (more importantly) suck at it. It's damn sad.

    So... I'm a level 1 writer and now I just need to learn to say this to myself every day.

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    1. I'm glad this article could help! I think it's hard enough when you try and fail and try again, it's even worse when you have the impostor syndrome. I think you're right about adulthood. It's like we're too old to fail, too old to learn. But we are never too old to have fun and grow :)
      Good luck with your writing then, and be careful with that flammable pen ;)

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  2. Thank you so much for posting this. Not only do I relate as I'm on a huge Hearthstone kick and one starts out as the Mage and has to fight to earn more creatures, I have been struggling substantially with creative identity and basically an inability to just move forward and be bad at things and keep trying. I finally gave up trying to be perfect at any one thing and decided to just sit down and composed a song yesterday and have been pondering writing again. Thank you thank you for sharing! You're my favourite read :)

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    1. Thanks, I'm very touched :) It's true that trying to produce something "perfect" hinders creative endeavors! I remember reading a survey about some kind of creativity test: the participants were given some matches and tape and such, and they had a limited amount of time to create the highest tower possible. The groups that did it were 5 year-olds, high school students, engineering students and actual engineers. The group that made the highest tower was the 5 year-olds. Because they do not yet have all the barriers we set for ourselves, including this pressure to be good right now, to produce perfect stuff. I hope you keep writing songs and many other stories :)

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    2. By the way Hearthstone is awesome, isn't it? I'm quite addicted myself :)

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  3. Great post! Also I had never heard "It is by forging that one becomes a blacksmith" but that is such a great saying. I've gotten overwhelmingly discouraged a few times when just starting out learning a new skill or area, but my friend group is really great about saying "well, at least you were out there trying, and that's more than most people can say". So congrats on submitting those pieces to the short story contests! Doesn't matter if you win or lose, at least you're out there trying and practicing!

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    1. Thanks Erin! It's true that we tend to forget that trying is the beginning of succeeding, and it's still better than doing nothing at all. It's also true that it's discouraging at time though, it requires qite an amount of grit and resilience to keep pushing forward. Perhaps that's also because we tend to forget that success hide a huge amount of work before achieving it!

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  4. I completely agree that we need to re-learn how to fail. As kids, we don't just give up when the first attempt to walk doesn't work, do we? Personally I am at a place in my life where I'm trying to get better at many different things. I've always considered myself a generalist rather than a specialist so I can't name any one thing where it's really important to me to become a pro, except maybe as a wife ;). I'm currently in a job that is constantly evolving and so are 'y goals. And at home I'm trying to be a better cook, a better environmentalist if you could call it that and a better meditator (zen monk? Lol). Also considering taking up gardening (where I'm a total level 1) or picking up playing the piano again ... So for me the struggle has always been more one of 'who am I', 'how do I define myself', than of trying to earn a certain label.

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    1. It's true that we care less about failing when we are kids. Less pressure probably! I don't think we need to put labels on who we are, there are so many facets to everyone's personality and life that we are a lot of things at once! But I also find that it helps to qualitfy lyself as "a writer" when I'm here, trying to write and failing to find inspiration for example. Or when I have too many ideas and get frustrated because there is no time for me to write them down. But it doesn't mean this is the only term I use to define myself :) I'm probably a generalist as well, all things considered (too much of a generalist, in my case, I have no time to commit to anything!) Good luck in your endeavors, in any case, it sounds to me that you have already accomplished quite a journey of self discovery...

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    2. I definitely didn't mean that you wouldn't jave many other facets to your personality, I've just always found it hard to pickna passion myself that I was so adament (curious, frustrated, inspired etc) about. If anything, I've always wanted to be a reader above alll else, but that never took much grit ;).

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    3. Well, that depends, you could join a reading club, open a book review blog (whatever the name of this type of blog is supposed to be. Literary blog perhaps?) etc. There are many ways to engage in the passion of reading and growing as an avid reader :) But I see what you mean, not everyone needs to have one life vocation, sometimes we are interested in a number of different things and that's perfectly all right too (I mean, writing is not my only interest either, I play violin, am interested in minerals and astronomy and web coding and photography...)

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  5. Flammable pen :D set those pages on fire yeah!

    I still blush when I have to introduce myself as a writer or an author, as if I was boasting or claiming something as mine that isn't. I don't know if it ever goes away. Four published books haven't helped much, so I don't know what will. Perhaps one day I can say "writer" in a cool, off-handed way and not squirm at all!

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    1. Also in Finnish there's saying "No-one is a blacksmith when they are born", and it's one of the more encouraging Finnish sayings.

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    2. Oh, that's interesting that you still shy away from the term "writer" if you have been published already! It shows it's all in the head after all. Perhaps it does sound like boasting, and that's a shame because any great writer had to start somewhere too, at some point! I like that Finnish saying, it is quite true :)

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    3. Definitely in the head! I don't know if it would be like this if I did something else, like if I did people's hair would I be "and I kinda cut hair and make fancy hairdos so I guess I'm a mumble mumble hairdresser" *blush* *squirm*.

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    4. Haha that's a good question, surely many jobs or activities don't have that kind of "aura" that the term "writer" has. Maybe it's the creative activities, we see so many masters at the art that it's hard to call ourselves the same as them (you know, artist, painter, comedian, sculptor, designer...)

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  6. I think you've hinted at this before, but this is your first post really detailing out this dilemma with labels. Thank you for writing it. I'm trying to absorb and repeat a few similar mantras to myself to get over the failure hurdle.

    1. Every bit counts. Every sucky run, failed climbs, bad cups of coffee (I am learning to make my new favorite beverage at home.) The next one might be better.
    2. There will be someone better, faster, smarter, stronger than you. Learn from what they did. Make their performance an inspiration.
    3. Your effort and experience of any given moment is just as valid as anyone else's.

    Florie, thank you for your words. It's great to know you're killing it at your hobbies. Look at everyone here you're inspiring/giving food for thought--who knows what it might set off!

    In the spirit of owning these titles/labels, I am:
    Level 2 Photographer
    Level LOL Climber : currently injured right now, but when I get back I'll be Level 0.5 hahah
    Level LOL Barista : currently attempting to French press. At least the mistakes smell delicious?

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    1. Oh such an interesting perspective on the topic! I love your point 2. Especially for creative activities, it's too easy to compare with better (or more "advanced") people and become desperate. For writing I can see that as I'm getting more serious and meeting other authors, publishers etc. I feel such a beginner facing all these professionals, published authors, seeing some who win short story contests that I lost. Besides, when you create something, it's more difficult to accept that you made something average because you put so much work into it. I can see authors really put down by a refusal by pubishers because they feel it was the best they could do.
      So your point 2 is a very helpful view to cling on to in these cases: see better writers as a source of inspiration and learning, rather than feeling defeated. Very wise words Kristina :)
      Haha I love your skill sheet, that's awesome. What material are you using to brew coffee at home? I tried a few before giving up and going for Nespresso coffees (I know that's cheating!)
      I guess in the same spirit I would be:
      Level 4 writer (fiction and blogging/articles)
      Level 3 violonist (just because I can play it with an OK sound which is a hard thing to achieve)
      Level 2 minerals collector (I don't even know the name of all the stones I own...)
      Level 1 photographer (just trying)
      Level LOL illustrator/drawing artist (that would take way too much time to improve...)

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    2. You are a writer (proof up there)! :)
      On writing and being a writer, let me suggest to you Sam Starbuck's website: https://extribulum.wordpress.com/

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    3. I'm buying whole beans, and am trying to find my favorite local roaster. There are a few roasters in my area so I'm slowly trying a bag from each one--but as I am the only drinker I take about 2-3 weeks to consume each bag.

      I just inherited an old electric grinder and a hand grinder, so I'm learning what size particle is best for the French press.

      Level 3 violinist is no laughing matter! it's so easy to forget they all started at Level LOL when all you see is the finished product. Perhaps we each have inherent talents to make some pursuits easier than others, but I'm sure we all broke strings at some point! :)

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    4. Thanks for the link, looks interesting :)

      Kristina, you seem really committed to levelling up this barista skill! That sounds really interesting though, I hope you continue improving :) Haha I don't know about my violinist's skills. I sure can make it sound like a violin, which is a good start I guess!

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