18 May 2013

Self Esteem Experiment

Self made picture from my mini-Palace

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel"
-- Steve Furtick

I don't remember if I have already shared this quote on the blog, but I find it so true to most self-esteem issues, I thought I was an appropriate introduction to this post. I would like to share with you today, a little experiment that I did several years ago, very simple but marking the beginning of my self-esteem's improvement.

I find the quote above very accurate, because at the lowest point of my self-esteem, I would, consciously or not, compare myself to other people all the time. Some were more beautiful, or smarter, or more self confident, had more friends, a more united family... In the end, it seems everybody was normal but me - worse still, it seemed everybody had a nice life but me.

One day, a very simple event occured. See, my (real) name is quite rare in France, and I always hated it. I was reading Cosmopolitan, this page where a lot of women would give a short testimony, with their name, age and profession as a signature beneath the paragraph.

On that day, one of these women had the same name as I did. And I caught myself liking her name. The simple fact that is was associated with another woman, another life, and not with me, made me see my own name from an external perspective and I liked it. 

This is how I realized how harsh my own judgement was on myself, because my self-esteem was so low. Then I thought maybe, if I met my double, I would think her life is nice, too.

So here is the little experiment I did: during my everyday life, I imagined each everyday scene as if I was someone else, looking at me living my life. What do I think of her? When I went to the Boulangerie pick up my bread, when I took a shower and chose my outfit, when I prepared and ate my dinner, when I played video games, met with friends, went to school, called my parents or sister... 

Regularly, I would stop my own trail of thoughts and imagine I was a neighbour, a classmate looking at me. What do I think of her? I also did it at night, before going to bed. I recollected my day, but imagining it from the outside.

Eventually, after a couple of weeks doing this exercise, I even wrote down a description of myself on a notebook. As if it was a writer describing his main character at the beginning of a book, to introduce her to his readers. My name, my age, what I was doing in life, school, student job, my physical and personnality traits, my main activities and tastes, where I live, the decorations of my appartment...

In a way, I made myself see my own "highlight reel" instead of being stuck in my "behind the scenes". When I read that description of myself, I realized I wasn't so bad after all. I was studying what I wanted, had family and friends who cared for me etc. It was the beginning of a long road to a much healthier self-esteem.

Today, years after this exercise, when I feel down, question my life or start entering some guilt loop about a mistake I made, I still do this exercise. I calm down, pour myself some tea, set up a little silence bubble, and imagine my life as seen from an outsider. Then, I am much more clear-headed to find a solution to whatever mistake it is I have made.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense to you, but since that simple exercise helped me a lot over the years, I thought it might be nice to share it with you... Have you had any similar experience? How do you deal with guilt or other self-esteem slips?

26 comments:

  1. That's an incredibly original self esteem booster! I always get bogged down by the "dirty laundry of life" as well. I'm incredibly blessed to be friends with some very driven, type A women, and I often feel like I fall a little short. But after taking a few minutes and thinking about my life from an outside perspective like that, it seems that things aren't so bad after all :)

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    1. It is extremely effective, isn't it? Another thing that made me realize that is when a friend I admire a lot (maybe like you admire your type A friends you mention) confided her self esteem issues to me. I never could imagine she had any issues at all. In a way she shared her "behind the scenes" with me and I realized that everybody struggles with these questions in the end...

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  2. It is a very clever observation by this Steve Furtick and I think it is even more relevant today than a few years ago. I spend a large amount of my time reading (fashion) blogs and looking throug Instagram and Facebook, and it is very easy to feel inadequate when I'm constantly confronted with the highlights of everybody else's lives.... It makes me sad - so sad, occasionally, that I ought to quit social media alltogether!

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    1. It is true that social media, blogs, the Internet identity we create in general, probably does increase this gap between our "behind the scenes" and other people's "highlight reel". When you meet people in real life, even if they don't necessarily divulge their issues, you can see when they feel down etc.

      But on the internet, you can create whatever identity you want, and create a "highlight reel" that can be a complete lie in the end. Sometimes, when I catch myself comparing my life to a blogger's, I remember how it is to blog, and try to imagine how readers see my life as a blogger, to rationalize and remind myself it is a blog, and you always try to show the best of yourself on a blog. Sometimes, a break from social media can be resroucing, too.

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  3. I like that method! I actually do something similar, although I wasn't quite aware of it until now. Whenever I think I've done or said something really stupid I ask myself what I would have though if it was one of my closest friends or colleagues who did the same. The answer usually is that it wouldn't be a big deal at all, which instantly makes me feel a little bit better. I really does help :)

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    1. That's a good method too! Sometimes, we think something we did was a huge deal but other people may not see it that way.

      I remember reading a self esteem book where they said: "sometimes we spend a lot of energy wondering what people think of us, how they would judge us, if they will notice whatever tiny flaw we focus on. But the truth is, most of the time people are too worried thinking about how you will judge them to notice these things about you anyway".

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  4. en fait tu avais inventé l'expérience Dove :)

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    1. C'est vrai que les sketches partent du même principe, mais uniquement du point de vue de l'apparence physique (ce qui est la limite de cette expérience Dove d'ailleurs)

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  5. Very interesting method Kali. I never quite did it in that way as much as stepping outside myself, as they say, in terms of dealing with judgement you get from family and friends. So its no secret in America the pattern is to educate, work, and build a family. I was so caught up in that mentally but not actually living it that for years I had little confidence, especially because society at this time is not conducive to "making it" if you're a minority, not upper class, or have connections. And when I caught flack for not having made it in comparitive terms, I started to see what in fact I did achieve so far, and white its a highly narcissistic thing to do, its quite helpful. That's why I love Danielle LaPorte. One of her exercises include writing down ALL the mistakes you've made, everything from bad choices in men to quitting your job, and then next to write down everything you've accomplished. I truly have accomplished allot, some silly some enviably- being in newspapers, winning pageants, starting businesses...but compared to even just a popular blogger, it completely gets disregarded as not being enough. My being in NY Times feels slighted in comparison to someone getting to be in a GAP commercial because they blog about expensive clothing for a living, or me busting my ass to afford rent with a bit of clothing on the side to support a pioneering magazine while some people marry rich and can do anything but choose to buy 40 pairs of shoes a season instead, and of course they just happen to be gorgeous. Its quite dysfunctional. To combat this, I now tightly edit the blogs I follow, read allot more again including philosophy and evolutionary history, and honestly, watching reality tv has helped considerably. Nothing is more esteem boosting than comparing your life to wretched wealthy women who have absolutely everything but still don't know how to behave, be considerate, be grateful, etc. Its good for perspective. And of course having supportive people placed in your life to boost you doesn't hurt either, even if they are online ;)

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    1. You were in the NY Times?! Come on, that beats 40 pairs of shoes ANY day. A thousand high fives for you, lady! :D

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    2. I guess judgement from other people also enters into the self esteem questions, but I think the source is first and foremost about how you think of yourself. Once someone has a healthy self esteem and are at peace with their own life choices, other people's judgement doesn't matter as much, because no matter what they think about your choices, you know that you are happy about them. Only when you have self doubts about your choices do negative opinions from other people matter. This exercise was a way for me to combat these self doubts.

      It is true that it's a very good exercise to reflect on your own achievements, and I guess life choices in general, because it helps reminding what you are satisfied with in your life.

      Comparison is the big problem in all this really. When you compare to a blogger who gets into a GAP commerical, or these rich people - but that's where I remind myself that it's their "highlight reel", not their actual life. Maybe they show off on their blog but also have insecurities carefully hidden from public sight. Personally, if I am confronted to such bloggers who would brag and show off a glossy life without bringing me any more value as a reader, other than making me feel bad about myself, I guess I just stop reading the blog altogether. So I believe you're right to edit your daily reads!

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  6. That sounds like a great exercise--and by the way, your life as you share it with us on your blog sounds lovely!

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    1. Thanks! I try to be as honest as possible, so I hope I'm not showing off too much of my highlight reel...

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  7. I actually do something similar, but on a more superficial level. I generally like my personality and my life, but I'm often very insecure about my looks and appearance. One day I was looking at some streetstyle picture and accidentally scrolled down the page so I couldn't see the girl's head. And I realised that on a regular day I might wear an outfit similar to the one she was wearing, but that if the clothes had been on me I wouldn't have found them so stylish. After that experience I sometimes on purpose cover the head of stylish women in pictures and imagine my own instead, and I've also tried doing it the other way around with my own outfits, that is trying to imagine that my body is someone else's. And the latter acutally often makes me like my clothes much more!

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    1. That's very interesting, I've never really considered it on a style perspective, but it makes sense. If it helps finding a style that you like and feel comfortable wearing yourself, that's great!

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  8. i love this post. especially in our social media age, it's easy to get caught up in everyone else's highlight reels.

    i've recently started a habit of meditating briefly every morning, and having that time to myself before i start the day really helps me to find my focus.

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    1. I've been considering meditating as well lately, it seems to really have positive effects on everyday life. I'm still considering when would be the best moment for it though. Early mornings and late nights don't work for me because I'd fall asleep...

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  9. I've been quite interested recently in how people choose to present themselves online (and of course, in many cases, that means presenting a highlight reel, as you say). My thoughts were prompted by the comments in one of Anuschka's posts - Anuschka wanted to post photos of how she dresses everyday, just to show what real-life dressing means for her, and then there were a couple of comments in which people castigated bloggers who have any pretense in their approach to dressing. These commenters seemed pretty unhappy that bloggers ever present an unrealistic portrayal of how they dress, or would put specific effort into putting together a fancy outfit just for photos for a blog. I guess that shows that maybe people realise they are getting a carefully edited highlight reel that showcases people at their best. I personally think people are entitled to present themselves however they want over the internet - if they want to present a "perfect" image rather than what they're really like in everyday life, that's their right. Maybe it boosts their own self-esteem after they've been feeling negative from seeing so many other "perfect" bloggers. Whatever the motivation, they aren't beholden to present a warts-and-all image of themselves so that readers don't feel insecure. But people's negative reaction to the notion that someone would not present themselves entirely accurately online shows how much emotion can be invested in this online imagery.

    I've certainly felt kind of crap after going through people's blogs - people who write about the amazing international holidays they go on every 6 months, people who constantly buy beautiful new clothes that cost half of my monthly salary, etc. But if I really scrutinize what's going on, I can see I'm not getting the full picture. Sometimes it becomes reasonably apparent that the blogger's lifestyle is funded by others to some extent. That's certainly is reinforced by a forum thread I saw about disposable income in which a surprising number of people - maybe 10%? - said something along the lines of "My partner pays all the bills and rent, so I can spend the income I earn from my job on whatever I want". Also, another time I found out that a blogger who had been writing about how she had bravely followed her dreams and risked it all by setting up her own business had never risked anything, since she had a trust fund and a very rich partner who was supporting her the entire time (that was a bit ridiculous because she was encouraging her readers to risk it all and follow their dreams, and she never admitted that she had a considerable financial safety net if it had all failed for her). So I just try to remind myself that I'm not getting the bigger picture in most cases, and there's therefore really no use in comparing myself to people online.

    (Oh my god, one day I will write a comment that isn't multiple enormous slabs of text, I swear!)

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    1. Oh no please do keep writing lengthy comments, it's very interesting!

      It is true that there have been quite the debate recently over the blogs I follow about internet identity, the effect of the way bloggers present their life on their readers' self esteem, and, by extension, the perfect life images we see in media, articles or advertisements. To me, there are 2 different questions: how a blogger chooses to display his or her life through the posts and pictures, and how some promote products, using their blog as a (hidden or not) platform of advertisment.

      In the first case, I completely agree with you. A blog is a personal space where the blogger is master. He has the right to present his life just the way he wants - it is only natural to try to show the best part of our lives to strangers after all. Some are more honest than others, but it's ultimately the blogger's choice. It can be because it's a self esteem boost to curate your own highlight reel, it can also be a way to set a little frivolous bubble as an escape from everyday life, whatever the reason, it belongs to the blogger. As of the effect on readers, for example in my case I still follow a couple of bloggers like that because I find their pictures beautiful and it makes a nice frivolous read as a break from time to time. But if some readers feels undermined by these bloggers, they are free to stop following them, it's up to reader's responsibility in the end.

      As for the second case, advertising through blogs, I can tell you as a PR professional that bloggers and youtubers are the new gold of brand marketing - you reach the same amount of people, or even more for popular bloggers, for a fraction of the cost of a commercial. I am not against the concept in general, but as a reader I usually don't appreciate when the blogger tries to hide it. To me there is a fine line between showing your life the way you want to, and lying to your readers.

      But in the end, it's like everything, the first important thing to me is that readers be more aware of these things, especially when they are young, just like girls should be educated about photoshop at an early age. If the reader is *aware* that social media in general, and blogs in particular, only show a part of people's life, then they can decide which ones to follow and protect themselves against uneven comparisons.
      Again, I tend to prefer bloggers who are honest about that - for example I follow a French blogger who posts a lot of pictures with quite little text, outfits, favourite items, some recipes and a couple of sport/health related posts. It is very frivolous and her pictures are very beautiful and edited, but she was clear from the start that her blog is a little escape garden of frivolity for her, that it is only a part of her life and that she doesn't wish to share any further private things with her readers.

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    2. Yeah, the marketing juggernaut that incorporates bloggers is kind of amazing to consider. When I was reading about haul videos, I saw some stats where a company said that by sending its product for free to the top 20 vloggers it usually sends stuff to, the company's product would be advertised (usually in a positive way) to more than five million people. Reaching millions of people for probably just hundreds of dollars - I have no idea what sort of marketing budgets are expected to reach what number of people (I'm sure you have a very good idea) but that seems like phenomenal value for money. And because it's so cheap to reach people that way, companies even send products out to people with relative small readerships, and those bloggers must surely feel flattered to be acknowledged in such a way, even though it's probably purely about marketing and doesn't really say anything about the blog's quality or success.

      I think that's one of my issues with the blogger-as-marketer scenario, even if they're honest and upfront about getting free products - people are flattered to get stuff for free, and would probably like more free stuff in the future, and therefore are probably at least a bit biased. A lot of people do disclose whether they received goods or services for free (I think it's actually a legal requirement to disclose that information in the U.S., but a lot of bloggers seem to do it willingly nonetheless) and then that's kind of the end of the discussion for them. But surely these bloggers are more inclined to give favourable reviews than unfavourable ones? I mean, if they want more free stuff and more material to write posts about in the future, they're going to say some nice things. So even though it's good that people disclose that they got something for free, I still feel like overall there's going to be a positive bias in reviews of free products. The "this item was provided to me for free" disclaimer just doesn't really cut it for me - I'd much rather read a review of a product that someone spent their own money on, because if they don't like it then they're going to be angry about wasting their money, and if they do like it then they're going to want to rave about its virtues.

      And I do frequently notice considerable discrepancies between the opinions of high-profile bloggers and the reviews posted on assorted websites. For example, cosmetics bloggers get a lot of products for free, and if you look up blog reviews about a particular product you might be interested in buying, there are usually mostly positive blog reviews. But if you go on makeupalley.com and look at the reviews left there for the same product, it's much more varied and the average opinion is usually a lot lower than the sentiments among the bloggers. So marketing via bloggers must be a dream come true for companies and brands, because it seems to skew the available information about a product in the positive direction, and does so for cheap!

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    3. Wow, Kali I would love to know what blogs you follow especially the ones you said are debating these topics as well as that French one (sounds like a good escape for me as well).

      All that Jess mentions here is very true and I think I might respond further on my blog because I've been feeling all kind of icky in terms of blogging as an editor. Its the most trickiest thing I've taken on, and being a person with integrity as well as a huge proponent of new brands, the line is very thin but very much crossable. I still hate that our brain can't decipher the highlight reel from reality in a split second in time for the self esteem not to plummet.

      Maybe Jess can write on tips or studies that show how to handle that...

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    4. I read a lot of stuff and tend to forget where it comes from, so I'm looking into creating a page on the blog dedicated to a "bibliography" with a list of blogs I follow, websites I often visit, and a selection of articles and links I found interesting. In the meantime, the latest blog post I read on the matter of blogs, blogging and the blogger's image is the one from Amanda here: http://www.assembledhazardly.com/2013/05/in-restrospect-thoughts-on-blogs-and.html
      Maybe you already know her though. The comments are as interesting as the post if you'd like to take a look.

      And the French blogger I like to see the images of is here: http://wasted-hours.fr/
      She also posts some recipes with great images, I love her assumed frivolity.

      As for this brain's tendency, I'm sure Jess would be more qualified than me to approach the subject on a researcher's point of view, but from what I learnt through TED talks, even when you are aware of these biases, the brain still uses them unfortunately. Look at optical illusions, even when you're told this line is NOT longer than that line, you still see it longer... But when you are aware of the existence of these biases, I guess you can remind yourself these things and rationalize - at least I hope so.

      Anyhoo, if you are interested in brain biases etc. I suggest you to take the time to watch this TED playlist, it's just fantastic:http://www.ted.com/playlists/74/our_brains_predictably_irrati.html

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  10. hi, kali! i don't know if i like your post more or the comments on it.
    i find that i need to pick up my self esteem and build it up again from time to time and from situation to situation and i would probably enjoy your exercise and it would give my imagination a good run and then eventually i would probably deliberately add a touch of glamour to my daily activities for fun.
    :)

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    1. Yes I agree it's really nice to get such interesting comments from readers! It is true also that doing this exercise actually made me improve my everyday life just a bit - adding a touch of glamour as you say. I think it's a virtuous circle too, when self esteem improves, you feel more confident to do new things you enjoy - at least it was the case for me.

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