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As the big 30 approached for me these past few weeks, there have been much discussions with friends, family and colleagues about this symbolic turn of age. Naturally, this lead to the invariable fear of old age we all bear in our hearts. Now that I am turning 30 today, here are a few thoughts about how it feels to get older.
Being no longer young is a notion we acquire over time, somewhere during the 20s. At least, that was the case for me, as the bank closed my "young-savings account" at 25, when the train company shut down my "young reductions", when I started earning money, paying rent and taxes.
Getting older and uglier
But as my thirtieth birthday approached, I realized how "getting older" was linked to physical appearance to so many people. "You're going to have to be more careful with the food now as pounds don't shed that easily anymore" "you'll see that you'll dye your hair like everyone else once your white hair show" "enjoy the fact that you can go out without makeup while you still can".It seems this ancient fear of getting older, initially linked to our mortality, has cristallized over our looks in today's society. Getting older means no longer being young, thin and wrinkle-free. As my boss turned 40, exactly the same discussions surfaced, a decade later. Why is our society so afraid of the natural aging of our body? Why does it matter so much to look young and thin? We aren't merchandise now are we?
What 30 means to me
Curisously, as I woke up this morning at the start of my thirties, my first thought was about everything but my looks. I thought about the career path I've chosen for myself, my masters degree and six years of experience in communications. I thought about my fiancé, who is probably the father of my children to come. I thought about what I accomplished so far and the projects ahead.I have this fear of getting older like everyone else. I don't know if this is linked to the path of simplicity I've been following these past five years, but this doesn't cristallize in a fear of white hair and wrinkles. Rather, I sometimes wonder if I made the right life choices.
As Meg Jay says in The Defining Decade, we make a lot of determining choices in our twenties. Studies, career, life experiences that are no longer possible as we get older and have more responsibilities, a life partner and more.
Life as a tree of choices
If life is a tree, childhood is the trunk. You are at the beginning, where all branches start and any of them is an option. At 20, you arrive at the top of the trunk, it's time to choose some branches over others. At 30, you're already quite engaged in the branch you chose, for career and personal life. There are all these choices you didn't make, all these options that are already behind you.And to be honest, if there is one thing I fear as I turn 30, is to have missed a turn, let an opportunity go. Maybe that's why I started playing the violin again two years ago and writing fiction again eight months ago. Because these are branches I care about and I realized my twenties, full of studies and getting a job, made me neglect these things that matter so much to me.
Of course, 30 is still young, there are still many branches waiting ahead of my life tree. But I guess this is a symbolic age nowadays. The age when you are adult for real. Where life choices matter. Now more than ever, it is important to know if the branch you are standing on is the one that matters to you.
Writing matters to me. My talents in digital communication matter to me. My fiancé and our future family matter to me. Playing the violin and collecting minerals and traveling the world matter to me. Choosing the perfect anti-aging fundation to hide my wrinkles and the ideal dye to hide my white hair? Not so important to me.
As a conclusion, here are some lessons I learned as I leave the defining decade:
- Accept your emotions without judgment
- It is natural to feel down sometimes, a happy life isn't constant joy and pleasure
- People pay much less attention to us than we think - they are usually too busy wondering what we think of them
- Everybody has moments of doubt
- Our life choices are influenced by our environment in a much bigger way than we think
- Making mistakes is a way to learn and improve
- Worring about looks is a waste of time that leads to nothing. If we are lucky enough, we'll all end up looking like this anyway:
Wonderful post. I didn't fret much about turning thirty, and I keep insisting that once my hair (hopefully) turns powder white I will dye it baby pink. I have started thinking about how the choices I make in the next few years will be very final, though. Kids or no kids? Where do I want to settle down? Do I want to live closer to my family, as my parents are getting older and closer to their senior years? I _have_ noticed that I have started to pack on the pounds a lot easier though, but I choose to blame it the fact that professional success has led to a lot more lunches and dinners out :)
ReplyDeleteHaha I love your explanation for packing some extra pounds :)
DeleteIt is true that today, 30 (or that decade in general) seems to be the moment to make kind of final choices. Once the kids are here, even if the relationship with the father ends, the kids are here for ever. On a smaller scale, when buying real estate, it's a loan that lasts for decades. When you decide where to settle, once you start a family, chances are you'll stay in the same area for quite a while. I guess that's the kind of life defining decisions that matter to me, more than wrinkles and grey hair. How I spend my time, too. 5 minutes of writing here and there and by 40 I might have some novels written (and maybe published?) which matter more to me than scrolling facebook or tweeting faster than the rest of the crowd...
Happy birthday Florie! <3 <3 love from California. I hope I'm half as tranquil as you for my birthday later this year.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel 30 or whatever it is at all--if anything, I feel younger and still a bit unsure. I hope that my 30s brings a deep seated confidence (but not arrogance) in my strengths, and acceptance and improvement of my flaws.
May your year bring continuing wisdom, joy, and laughter!
Thanks, Kristina! It is natural to feel unsure at that age I guess, after all we still are at the first third of our life :) I guess that's the thing about turning 30, at leastr for me. I've gone past trying to be perfect and try to accept and embrace my flaws instead. And try to improve them, too.
DeleteI hope you own birthday turns out well for you too, we have a great decade ahead of us ;)
Happy birthday! When I turned 30 last year, it brought about somewhat of a crisis, not at all to do with looks but with life choices :). Especially kids: to have or not to have them, and if not, then how about all of those other things that once seemed an option, like traveling the world or living abroad or getting another master's degree... As I get better at my job, get more financial stability and all that, I feel indeed like so many other options are closing off. I sort of miss that feeling that I had continuously in my twenties, that I was working towards something but that in the end, everything was still possible. But that can't last forever, and that realization hit me hard. I try so change my perspective to thinking that most people on this planet just HAVE to make do with what they arr handed and have way less choices than we do. So it must be very well possible for me to be happy with whatever choice I make and make the best of it ;). I also think though, that society sort of pressures us into thinking we need to live the best possible life, and for a control freak like me that's crippling :p.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your experience, it's true that it might be daunting, this feeling that life choices become fewer and fewer as we age. But it is also true that elsewhere, or in different eras, people don't/didn't have any choice at all when it comes to what kind of life to lead, so we are lucky to have the luxury to reflect upon all this. You're quite right, it helps a lot to see things that way :)
DeleteHappy birthday! When I turned 30, I was ecstatic: I felt the same drive as in my early 20s, the same joy to be doing what I was, but I felt I had more stamina. I don't worry about looks either, but I do worry about staying in good health for as many years as possible. Now that I'm past the 35-year old mark, I can say this decade so far has been fantastic and filled with learning experiences, so you've got a great decade ahead of you :).
ReplyDeleteHappiness has to do with being satisfied with your life choices, and not much with how you're feeling right now—you can be frustrated or momentarily sad with the challenges on your way, while being deeply happy with the choices you've made.
Thanks!
DeleteI totally agree with you, happiness is about how satisfied we are with life choices and the current situation they led us to, rather than day-today pleasures (although learning to recognize and enjoy these also helps :) )
Perhaps that's what the whole "thirty years old crisis" is about - when you're done with studies and finding a first job and sometimes a partner. Ad now that life seems "settled" it's the time to look back (and forward) and think: is this what I want for my life? In y case it translated with spending more time with hobbies I really care about like violin and writing. Because I didn't want to wake up one day at 40, 50 or older realizing that I forgot a part of myself because of working too hard for money, if it makes any sense.
Happy belated birthday to a fellow Piscean! :) I have two years to go before I turn 30, but I have a feeling I'm not going to be freaking out about it... Thing is, I started school one year earlier and so practically all my friends are older than me—somehow, this actually makes me feel weirdly ageless, as if I was simultaneously experiencing my friends' age (rather than my own) and maintaining the awareness that it's not my age. It's weird, but I hope it will help me turn 30 gracefully :) - Ania
ReplyDeleteThanks! I also have a lot of friends older than me, I'm the last one to turn 30, so I already felt psychologically prepared for a couple of years now :) I'm sure this will help you age gracefully indeed. At least you seem to be prepared enough already!
DeleteI may be the oldest in this comment section - being 52 years but I love this blog because it helps me reconnect to myself as a person and to keep inspiring me to travel more before I retire while I still have funds for it. It also made me look at minimalism in a new way and now I'm on a new adventure of becoming minimalist in surroundings, feelings, career choices, and looking at life in a new way. I want to thank you for a refreshing outlook on aging gracefully and still having a young spirit at heart. I wish you a very beautiful birthday day!
ReplyDeleteThank you Mary, your comment really touches me a lot! I'm always happy to hear my modest thoughts can help people reflect on their side and reconnect with themselves. You made my day :) Safe travels then and all the best for your own minimalist/life journey.
DeleteI'm long past thirty but that decade was the best, coming into my own skin feeling more self assured then in my 20's. Many choices to be made that would change my life forever. the decade went by two quickly probably because I was busier and didn't notice it going by. With each decade after time did not slow down but went even faster. A funny thing occurred I realized that as time marches on life becomes clearer , I no longer waste time on unimportant things that were so important in my twenties. I see how wonderful each day is and the miricle of life is just that a miricle.I decided a decade ago that I would no longer define my age by a number , that automatically defines you in a catagory.My body is actually in better shape then it was in my 40's (a decade of added hormonal pounds) and I feel younger then ever. Defining your age by a number is too confining, I have many young thirty year olds that have confided in me with all their issues not knowing my age, the phone is a great eqaulizer, no photo :O) Thats when I realized how sad it is that if my age was known they may have been more guarded.We are all here to help each other get through this wonderful life, sometimes hard, sometimes tragic, sometimes full of joy but all are lessons that get us through and truly make us stronger.Your blog does this for us. Seeing life from your perspective and the changes you have made this year has changed all of us in some way. I wish you a very happy birthday a year of new adventures and discoveries. Thank you for letting us share your new discoveries in the coming year.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this very thoughtful comment, it's full of food for thought to reflect upon! It's true that the way we feel about age can change the way we perceive ourselves, not always in a good way when we live aging as a bad thing.
DeleteIt is true though, that I feel the 30s are a very busy decade, with career kicking off, babies to raise and such, and I'm afraid to be running after time. I want to be able to slow down and enjoy this period of my life too :)
it is true that I feel much more self-assured than 10 years ago, and I hope I'll feel even better when I turn 40 ^^
Happy belated birthday! I always dreaded the day I would turn 30 but when the day finally came, I realised it wasn't such a bad thing. Looking back on my twenties, I'm a lot more comfortable in my own skin now. I worry a lot less about things that just don't matter and I never reconsider any decisions that I've made in the past. What done is done. I can't spend my time feeling bad about choices I didn't make. I'd rather think about the future and all the decisions and live changing things to come.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this kind note! I agree with you, things that used to feel crucial now feel trivial. It's also a time to make peace with past choices and focus on the future indeed. When I started writing fiction again, I started feeling guilty for stopping for so long ("I could have written many novels in my twenties if I hadn't stopped!") Then I realized that only now matters. It's not too late to write novels in my 30s, and since I made that realization, I've written more in 6 months than in 10 years :) thanks for your insight, I'll keep that in mind for the years to come.
DeleteHappy birthday! I completely agree with your statements at the end, especially that 'People pay much less attention to us than we think' which is absolutely true and is called the spotlight effect. I've become a lot less afraid of making a fool of myself for trying new things when I realized that no one really notices you anyway :)
ReplyDeleteI haven't hit 30 yet (it's coming, soon...) but I do feel a bit of panic not about getting older. Not out of fear of aging, but (as you said) fear at seeing all these options suddenly being cut off. I want to do everything and experience everything, and it's always a little sad to realize that with every passing year my chances to experience certain things or be certain things pass by or get much more difficult. Oh well, such is life right?
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